I have a confession to make to you all: I'm afraid of the dark.
People always ask me if I'm afraid hitchhiking, or solo travel, or the BearCat, and the answer is always the same: no.
But you know what I am afraid of? Being alone in the forest after the sun goes down. That shit terrifies me. And the crazy thing is that this sensation only comes over me when I'm alone at night in the wilderness.
Please, allow me to explain.
On trail, when I wake up in the morning, I think to myself, “Hot damn! I am invincible! I can conquer anything! Nothing, especially not the dark, is going to stop me from getting after my mission of crushing miles and dominating this trail! I'm going to hike sixteen hours today and continue into the night. Hell yes, I'm the greatest!”
Then the sun sinks behind the horizon and sucks the light from the world.
What happens in my head now, I do not know, but it sounds something like this: “Dude, what the fuck were you thinking this morning? Darkness is closing in around you and you are about to be effed. You had better panic now and get yourself to sleep before the darkness consumes you and the horrors of the night emerge to feast.”
Then I proceed to struggle through the night – waking frequently – until the cycle begins again in the morning (when my thoughts begin with, “What was I thinking last night?!”). I know. It makes no sense.
I KNOW it's completely irrational and I KNOW that I have a higher risk of encountering danger in day-to-day city life, but there's just something deep in my subconscious that I cannot shake (it all probably goes back to that Hard Copy episode on aliens that terrified me as a child).
What exactly am I afraid of? Bears? Not really. The boogeyman? Nah. Inexplicable noises? Sometimes. The answer is I don't know what I'm afraid of. I can't tell you what exactly about being alone in the middle of a blackened forest stirs up my sympathetic nervous system, but I can tell you that it happens (much to my continued dismay).
Have I camped alone countless times in countless settings? Yes. Has it made a difference in my attitude towards participating in this activity? Nope.
When I'm with other backpackers, things usually go well (or at least better).
My worst nights are generally in densely wooded areas. If I have a 360-degree view of the area around me I can cope more effectively – high alpine, fields/meadows, deserts, and the like. Lakes and rivers do well to provide some solace as well (although hearing animals enter and emerge from the water during the night is not the most welcomed of noises).
So there you go. Now you know my darkest secret (heh heh).
But I can't be the only one. Anyone with me on this? Anyone gotten over their irrational fear of darkness in the wild? Anyone have any horror stories to concrete this fear into me until the end of my days?
Leave a comment and let me know!
Oh my god me too! I’m hiking the PCT this year and I absolutely do not know how I will manage to sleep at night. Thanks for your post I feel less alone! 😉
On the PCT I usually found myself “passing out” instead of “going to sleep”.
My son went through a phase (at 8 years old) of being afraid of the dark. I wondered if I showed him too much crap. But in reality, think it’s natural in all of us. So in an effort to turn the tables, I got us sneaking around his room, in pursuit of the monsters. You can’t see me, and now I and coming for YOU!
New strategy: get into my sleeping bag (aka boogeyman/grizzly shield) and hop around my campsite screeching like a madman in pursuit of monsters until exhaustion takes hold and I peacefully slip into unconsciousness.
Yeah, man. That’s the spirit!
Haha! What a relief to hear since this is My biggest fear with solo hiking and to hear it from you who has done so much solo hiking made me feel a little better. Good luck with your upcoming adventure! I love your blog btw!!
Are you still scared of the dark? I’m getting better but it’s still scary…
I have it bad. I’ve been out camping/hiking all my life and I don’t remember having it when I was a kid. Alone can be crazy, but I still get it with friends. It doesn’t help that I am a super light sleeper so any noise wakes me up. I also wear glasses so fumbling around in teh dark, until then I can’t see shit(i do a lot of cowboy camping).
I also have narcolepsy which causes me to wake up and basically see/hear things that are not there. Generally while hiking I am tired enough it doesn’t matter. Car camping, I’m usually drunk enough when I go to sleep.. haha. But I remember being out for 2 weeks camping with family while they were all hunting. The second night I thought I woke up with the impression I heard people outside my tent whispering/going through our stuff. I jumped up and grabbed my rifle and bursted out the tent… to nothing, of course. Just my mind. Good times.
I can’t decide if I’m comforted to know someone with a lot more “alone in the woods” time than me has the same problem… or concerned that after so much they still have it… as I always thought maybe at some point it’d go away. haha.
The boogeyman is real and he lives in the woods.
So glad I’m not just some coward. I was an English major too and I firmly believe in a collective objective correlative wherein some people are more affected by the residual fears from times when there really were things to be afraid of in the dark. Humans have, over the years, coexisted with some crazy ass beasts. Those fears were solidified in our DNA as survival instincts. There is no where that brings us closer to our instincts than wild, dark forests. As dark as it is comforting, I have a mantra: “I am the dangerous thing that looms in the woods.” If we were not afraid of those beasts, we would not have been pushed as hard to weild spears, knives, build fire, strong shelter, grow thumbs, and bigger brains. We are the scary things in this world.
Glad to know I’m not alone too. It really is the most annoying thing as I wouldn’t say I’m a paranoid person at all, but I think when we feel like we could handle whatever happens out there, losing all sense of control in the dark is a bummer. That one night I found a mountain lion watching my camp probably didn’t help… Not much sleep that night.
The forest at night is terrifying.