Disclaimer: Read At Your Own Risk

Given that the scope of my audience reaches beyond those who know me personally, I feel that I should clear some things up for anyone who has been suckered into reading whatever it is I decide to post here (mostly my deepest darkest secrets).

Put simply: I write for the sole purpose of entertaining myself.

Occasionally the result of said entertainment manifests itself in the form of something that may appear to be instructional, educational, or even intelligent sounding. Sometimes I may even come out and say that what I have decide to write should be interpreted as one of the aforementioned adjectives.

It never is.

As convincing as I may be, it would behoove you to disregard anything you’ve read here when exercising discretion in the real world (or the imaginary one in your head).

What I write is inspired by my own experiences, and typically the content of said writing can be directly traced back to actual events in my life (sometimes things are fuzzy). However, as far as you should be concerned, everything here is a work of fiction.

Did I tell you that I joined the Israel Defense Forces? I really want that second passport.

You should never find yourself saying, “The fuck? This is nothing like that one asshole described it on his blog,” or, “Wait, but I thought that one guy on the internet said this was legal.”

If you find yourself saying any of the above things in regards to what you have read here, then chances are (and I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you this but) you’re dumb.

Why would you trust the opinion of a stranger on the internet?

Don’t you know what happens when you listen to people on the internet?

How do you know that I am not simply the imaginary alter-ego of some twelve-year-old boy living in an abusive foster care home who desperately needs an escape from the torturous nightmare of life?

Kumamoto Self Beer Water — Would you trust this guy?

Additionally, do not think that simply because I made some outlandish, incendiary, provocative, or even outright offensive sounding statement, that you are correctly interpreting whatever it is I have written (I am quite fond of playing devil’s advocate – I try to stay on his good side).

I have heard people read aloud what I have written and the disparity between their interpretations and my intent has been enough to make me abandon writing altogether.

Let’s try out some examples, repeat the following out loud:

Then, after I finally caught it (the little bastard), I managed to hold it still long enough for me to finally take a picture before putting it in my mouth.
Next, stand directly over the hole you dug and squat. Careful to keep both your feet planted firmly on the ground.
Fuck you.

Do you think you have accurately represented my words? If you answered “yes”, then you’re wrong. If you answered “no”, then you aren’t trying hard enough. If you answered “why the hell am I still reading this?”, then you win.

I wonder how the tone of this post will be interpreted by readers.

John Eagle Mask — “Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.” -Oscar Wilde

Furthermore, sometimes I enjoy to play with words, sentence structure, grammar, or spelling (and by “play with” I mean disregard the rules of the English language).

Yes, I know that Half Dome isn’t called The Half Dome, but guess what? I think that the liberal use of articles is funny.

What’s that? You don’t? Well that’s fine, because remember what I said? “I write for the sole purpose of entertaining myself.“

Sometimes I make jokes that few people have any reason to understand (honestly, to be the truth, Oreos), sometimes my use of prefixes and suffixes can be incorrectesque, and sometimes I write things because I feel like it (like maybe a poem).

All this being said, I appreciate those of you who read, who comment, who get in touch, and who share my word vomit with others.

I love you, too.