Meeting Fire Island Locals: Hello Deer

These wretched animals run rampant on Fire Island spreading disease, hosting blood-thirsty ticks (and more disease), eating garbage, and defecating in the streets (what gives them any right to do that which man has been prohibited from doing).

This particular specimen wanders all too frequently into my yard demanding some imagined tribute of bread, wine, and human sacrifice. Naturally, I have refused him thus far, but I fear that I may not be able to hold out much longer should he rally the remainder of his pack – they are ruthless and savage things in numbers (and not to be reckoned with one-on-one either).

Last night I heard a local’s account of how he once lured a beast into a false sense of security with a carrot and then proceeded to “beat in its head with a Louisville Slugger” upon breaching the bat’s proximity.

Then, as a show of dominance, the deer’s carcass was dragged through the streets behind a truck. Next, the animal was decapitated and eaten (the head is now likely used in ancient Fire Island rituals).

This land is lawless.

I must brace for the impending storm; war has come to Fire Island.