How To ACTUALLY Shit In The Woods

When I spoke to you last regarding how to shit in the woods, I was speaking from a researched position opposed to one grounded in empirical evidence.

Now, after three long weeks of using the Pacific Crest Trail litter box, I have the information you actually need when taking a shit in the woods.

First things first, the urge to make poo will always strike at the least opportune moment, when no acceptable space exists for you to do the deed. You will always be in the middle of a five-mile long traverse across a ridge that slopes steeply on both sides of the trail. And this is not the urge you get when you’re sitting at home watching Law and Order reruns. You can’t just tell it to go away. You are working and you are sweating, and it is coming now whether you are ready or not.

I just know that one of these days I am going to end up dropping one in the middle of the trail (I apologize in advance to anyone who is unfortunate enough to witness this event).

The next thing you need to bear in mind is that your squat position is very important. You risk pooping in your pants if you are not careful – and that is pooping into your pants once they are down (not in your pants while you are still wearing them – although this is also possible).

Hiker Proof Toilet Paper — Hiker-proof toilet paper dispenser.

Do not try the butt hover or half-squat – they are ineffective. Dig your hole and fully commit yourself, trust the technique.

Another problem posed by toilet-less bathroom goings to is that if you are a sit and enjoy type (like myself), then you will find your style quite cramped when flies and dirt are threatening your most sacred of holes (yes sacred, it is known). This usually means a second bout of outdoor school anywhere from twenty minutes to two hours after initial expulsion.

Lastly, and most importantly, always, always, always ensure that you have sufficient toilet paper prior to committing yourself to the deed. Ever run out of paper at home and have to call a roommate or do that most uncomfortable of waddles? It is 1000 times worse out in the bush.