A Date in Brazil: How To Not Fuck It Up

Let’s say you are asked out on a dinner date by a Brazilian who is way out of your league (not likely, but we are pretending).

Now being the incredibly classy person that you are, let us suppose you decide to order a personal pizza and the largest beer available (you are a gluttonous American, are you not?).

After around twenty minutes of incredibly dull, borderline racist conversation riddled with sexual innuendos, your food arrives. You perplexedly examine what has been brought to you. Just as you are about to tell the waiter you received the incorrect order, you are presented with ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, utensils and a very small glass – curious.

Looking across the table you can tell that you date, already disgusted with your behavior and lack of personal hygiene, is not making any effort to bail you out of the situation – welcome to Brazil.

Pizza.

In Brazil it does not have tomato sauce. It does not come divided into slices. It is to be eaten with a fork and a knife. It is served with condiments normally associated with hot dogs, hamburgers and freedom fries (oh, and olive oil too).

I have to admit: eating pizza in a Brazilian fashion felt strange at first (like the first time I had to buy condoms), and I have to say that it still feels strange (like every time I have to buy condoms).

Did you notice the large yellow device pictured above? This is a giant beer koozie.

In Brazil, larger beers (bottles) are served inside of these to preserve the beer’s freezing cold temperature (Brazilians loathe warm(ish-at-all) beer), and you are given a very small glass (maybe around 6 oz?) to pour each sip into.

Apparently I have been drinking been incorrectly my entire life (or at least since I started at age 11).