Why You’ll Probably Die Hiking The Pacific Crest Trail
Reading Time: 6 minutes After everything you’ve read, you still want to hike the Pacific Crest Trail? Well, I have some news for you: you’ll probably die out there (and nobody will miss you).
I’ve already warned about the bears, the things scarier than bears, and even the more things scarier than bears, but for some reason, you have chosen not to listen. Are you pushing ahead with your useless PCT plans anyway? Idiot.
Perhaps inspired by tales of past thru-hikes or motivated by some emotionally shocking event in your life, you think that conquering the Pacific Crest Trail will bring you some existential satisfaction. It won’t.
Or maybe you’ve got yourself an alternative lifestyle. Maybe you drink kale smoothies and say things like, “You know that’s bad for you, right?” Maybe you’re in your late fifties and want to conquer that dream you had thirty-something years ago. Maybe you’ve never been overnight backpacking before, or maybe you’ve already completed another long-distance hike on some equally perilous footpath (this does not improve your odds of survival). It doesn’t matter who you are or what your intentions are – you’re going to die.
Chances are that if you intend to thru-hike the PCT in the first place, you don’t have anyone in your life who cares about you (if you did, they would most certainly prevent you from going). At least when you do meet your end at the bottom of a ravine or the jaws of a starving mountain lion, nobody will miss you.
What’s Going to Kill You
Before we get into the specifics as to why you’ll die, let’s take a look at the things that can kill you whilst hiking the PCT:
Animals
Bears, mountain lions (cougars), feral dogs, domesticated dogs, coyotes, bobcats, wolves, cows (they’ll trample you in the night), wild boar, deer, moose, crotalus scutulatus, rattlesnakes, trouser snakes, black widow spiders, bark scorpions, Africanized honey bees, fire ants
Microscopic Things
Cryptosporidium, giardia, rabies, hantavirus pulmonary syndrome, coccidioidomycosis (valley fever), foodborne disease, legionella, Lyme disease, coxiella burnetii, e. coli, shigella, francisella tularensis, West Nile virus
Nature
Lightning, ball lightning, megacryometeors, flash floods, rock slides, forest fires, regular fires, earthquakes, sinkholes, lava-filled fissures, falling tree limbs, falling pine cones, solar flares
People
Reckless hunters, serial murderers, accidental murderers, suicides, section hikers, drunk drivers, sleepy drivers, incompetent drivers, cattle drivers
Accidents
Falling, getting swept away by a river, going over a waterfall, impaling yourself with a trekking pole, eating something poisonous, falling from something else, breaking a leg and not being able to get help and just sitting there for days waiting to die one way or another.
Your Body
Heatstroke, hypothermia, dehydration, starvation, heart attack.
And I’m confident that’s not even close to everything capable of ending your fragile and meaningless existence (let’s be honest, when the sun explodes and wipes humanity out from the known universe, nothing you did will make a difference).
The Specifics Why You’ll Die
So now we know what can kill you; let’s take a closer look at why you specifically are going to be helicoptered out of the wilderness in a body bag.
You’ve Never Done This Before
This shouldn’t require much of an explanation.
You’ve never been alone in the wilderness for an extended amount of time, and now you expect to be able to fend for yourself and cope with all the dangers of the Pacific Crest Trail. That’s the equivalent of thinking it will be a good idea to have sex with a bear just because you thoroughly researched mating practices and bear anatomy.
What? That doesn’t even make sense. I know, neither does trying to survive the PCT.
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You’ve Done This Before
So, the PCT won’t be anything new for you because you have already completed it (or another long-distance trail)? Wrong. Another flawed rationale.
Thinking that just because you have done something means you can make the leap to do something that’s “kind of the same thing, right?” makes no sense. Let’s say you manage to fuck that bear. Does that mean you can go out and fornicate with a lion? It’s basically the same thing, right? No, exactly, it’s not.
Don’t think that just because you’ve been on a long hike somewhere else in the world, it means that you are going to survive hiking the PCT.
You Are Going to Be Really Careful
Do you think everyone who ever died in some tragic accident was thinking to themselves, “I’m just not going to be at all careful right now because I don’t care if I die?” No, of course not.
People are careful all the time, and people die all the time. We kill ourselves doing everything from driving to the store for groceries to trying to get that extra chocolate bar to fall from the vending machine. That’s why these things are called accidents. It doesn’t matter how careful you are; all it takes is one accident to finish you forever.
You Think You’re Special
So maybe you’ve read some books, watched some movies, and talked with some former trail survivors to get you pumped for your adventure.
Maybe you think that everything you’ve read on the internet and everything your gut tells you can be discounted because you are different for some reason. You think that you’re the exception – that you’re special.
Your misleading vividness and refusal to accept that we are all equally fragile sacks of meat will be the end of you.
Should you, by some incredibly improbable miracle, manage to complete the entirety of the Pacific Crest Trail, well, good luck readjusting to society and working through your crippling depression and suicidal thoughts.
What They’ll Try to Tell You
Unfortunately for you, the world is filled with people encouraging this behavior. These people are only trying to get you out of the way to advance their personal agendas.
In your moments of doubt, when you don’t know whether the PCT is something you should commit yourself to (it isn’t), these people will show up and try to “encourage” you. However, what they are doing is hastening you along the path to an inevitably painful death.
These people are not your friends, peers, or “trail buddies,” or even (depending on how far you’re willing to take this) fellow human beings. Here are some of the things you may hear, accompanied by the translations of what these things mean:
- “I’m so happy you’re doing this!” = It’s about time you took the hint and left.
- “I wish I could do something like that.” = My life is infinitely better than yours.
- “I’m so jealous of you!” = You’re probably the dumbest person I know.
- “If you need anything, let me know!” = I’ll be sleeping with your partner while you’re gone.
- “I’m so excited for you!” = I’m so excited for you to die.
- “Good luck!” = Nice knowing you.
- “Keep me updated!” = I can’t wait to never hear from you again.
But wouldn’t you rather blissfully march to your doom, thinking that these people meant for you to return safely? Better to not confront anyone and feign ignorance until your time is up.
Have a good hike!
I’m hiked the PCT in the sierras to Pete’s grub hut? And further. Nothing too crazy. It was fun. Got turned around and lost for a minute. And while I only did a 60 mile loop. That was enough to grab my attention. Great article. Me and the wife love doing hikes here and there in different parts of the USA.
Hope you continue to get out there!
I understand you’re trying (perhaps a little bit too hard) to be funny, but it really gets tiring after a second article. Meh
Fortunately, the internet is full of elsewheres for you to explore.
I finished reading this article and still laughing. My PCT is still cca 16months ahead, but THIS article gets me through PCT :-D
Awesome to hear!
Very funny! Ticks all the boxes I’ve already considered myself, plus some more (seriously, that bear… why?). As for all those natural calamities and murderous animals, I think I’ll get by with my Original Swiss Pocketknife, yeah!
Just bring a pointy stick – more ultralight.
hahaha love this type of writing. great article! thanks for sharing.
Glad to hear you understand where I’m coming from :)
Just to be a shit, I’m trying to think of ways you forgot and even more crushing stereotypes (I’m an invincible male in my mid 50s), but I’ll probably just go down the wormhole of all the bacterial infections I can expect along the way.
Thanks for a great site Mac.
Sounds like the right attitude :)
Some of the most creative funny fucking writing I’ve read over many seasons.
Sounded more like stand-up. Thanks for the laughs Mac.
~
BTW I live in a zero town , Mt. Shasta. Got a hell hole, death wish, suicide
base camp just off the trail up yonder.
~
Anyway, Watch yer top knot.
Happy to hear you enjoyed it!
I’m 60 years old and have been doing the PCT for many years now. I’ve had close calls with many of the listed dangers, especially Mojave Green Rattlesnakes. But I love it up there and if it were up to me, I’d take my last breath up there. Nearly everything in life is risky. It’s weighing the value of the reward that matters.
Dying in the wilderness isn’t the worst way to go.
I’m 60 years old and have been doing the PCT for many years now. I’ve had close calls with many of the listed dangers, especially Mojave Green Rattlesnakes. But I love it up there and if it were up to me, I’d take my last breath up there. Nearly everything in life is risky. It’s weighing the value of the reward that matters.
I wish you many more years of not dying on the PCT (or elsewhere).
Great article, Mac. Unfortunately, I was too late in coming around to it — died hiking the trail years ago. Saw a beautiful squirrel and choked on poorly hydrated Mountain House Chili Mac.
RIP, Dan. He died eating what I love.
“section hikers” HAHA
section hikers, yea, wtf? : )
Life is risky. Risk takers enjoy life.
People who don’t take risks also enjoy life.
This is a great article! For anyone who is considering on taking on the PCT should read this, and if your motivation and thrive has been shot down by this then perhaps the trail just isn’t for you, however if you read through it all and your desire the trail is still strong then that’s a sign to do it anyways, even if death will be around the corner ;)
Happy to see you’ve seen the underlying meaning of the article.
I guess i am suicidal :)
But at least i have a idea what is coming for me, thanks to you Mac
and If you need anything, let me know! ;)
I need a relative who works for an airline – those free flights.
Halfway Anywhere – did you have a chance to hike the PCT? I think you bring up some interesting views.
Said views were gleaned from hiking the PCT.
You don’t have to walk the entire trail to experience the wilderness. You can go to select parts of it and still have a robust experience. You also might consider going from Canada to Mexico to avoid winter. Bragging rights aren’t worth dying over. I’ve lived in wilderness areas several times in my life, and please trust me. You are better off enjoying the safe areas. There is plenty of beauty to go around.
So you are pro or anti “people hiking the PCT”? Or just anti “people dying on the PCT”?
thanks for the reverse psychology, intended or not. I’d rather dye myself out there in the sun or give a Mt. lion a bite to eat then… well, maybe a shorter trail IS a better idea for me.
There’s always the JMT :)
I have a better chance of dying in a car accident than I do hiking on the PCT. I’ll take my chances, but thanks for the advice.
You must be driving with some pretty dangerous people, Cassie! Good luck not dying :)
How worried should one be of the threat of trouser snakes? It’s only natural to fear hungry mountain lions or bears, but death by trouser snakes is way down the list of ‘ways I imagine my imminent doom descending upon me’…and yes I do have a list of ways I would prefer to go, in case you are wondering; ‘Death by Black Hole’ and ‘Massive Heart Attack during Sexy Times’, are a few selections from the top of said list. Anywho, thank you for this well written appeal to my sensible side, I’ve decided to put off my dreams of PCT conquest until a more considerable portion of my will to live has diminished.
Trouser snakes should be near the top of your threat list (right after juggalos).
Hopefully you’re able to live the PCT one day soon!
OH GAWD, There’s Juggalos stalking these trails!? Thats even worse than Lions, Tigers, and Trouser Snakes. Oh MY!
I actually do wonder how safe it is for a female to hike alone. Thoughts?
I would say if you are seriously considering it, you would want to take the normal precautions you would take as a female embarking on any such adventure. Be aware of your surroundings, if not hyper-aware. Have some sort of personal defense plan, be it mace a taser, things like that, and make sure that there are people constantly aware of where you might be at any given time, and how long you plan to take to traverse certain areas where outside contact is more difficult. The most important thing you can do is overprepare and be ready for anything. That said, I don’t think you should be reserved simply because you are a solo female, that’s not fair (though I do understand it is a symptom of the sometimes sad reality we live in), Best of luck to you if your desires carry you on an adventure across the PCT!
Yes Oddly negative. Of course that chance exists. Chance of death exists many places and especially on an adventure. but fuck focusing on that. I guess since youve BTDT you can write about it in a different light. but hell you survived as well as others…sooooooooooooo
No, no, no – I died.
Love your brand of writing. Keep it up. The writing I mean.
Thanks Roberto! The writing shall continue.
I like
Very nice.
Well, looks like that’s one trip I will be skipping :D Dying early (especially from accidental murderers) is not on my list of things to do!
“The only way to live is to risk your life.” -Probably someone
I use it as a quote to my whatsapp. No one will care, but I don’t mind. :-D
It’s all yours!
Is this article aimed at me? Haha “mehhh”
All of my articles are aimed at you, Dayna.
Awesome article, very useful but you still aren’t keeping me from doing it someday. (I’m the one that has wanted to do it for 40 years) I wouldn’t mind dying by my husband’s trouser snake. ;)
Get out there and do it, Denise! But please don’t die.
I make no promises because I’m in God’s hands but I hope He wants me to see His splendor!
10/10 Great article. So many useful. Much truth.
I appreciate your apparent understanding of article.
In Washington State there are a lot of people living in the woods, and that state is notorious for serial killers.
Oddly negative post?
Once in a while it’s nice to remind myself that it wasn’t all puppies and rainbows out on the PCT. I think perhaps you’re just reading it in the wrong light :) Think of it as a writing exercise if anything.