Kids in the HALLS

You have a cough. Shouldn’t have gotten sick in the first place, but now you have to do something to remedy this. What do you do? Nothing? Go to a doctor? Take some cough drops? Oh, cough drops you say? You mean like Halls? Because Halls are cough drops right? According to their website:

HALLS invented its patented Mentho-Lyptus formula, using a combination of menthol and eucalyptus, and began producing its popular cough drops. The rest, as they say, is history.

If you want to “find the right HALLS for you” on their website you have the following options:

I have an irritating cough
I have a scratchy throat
I want something to help moisten my mouth
I have a sore throat
I want 100% of the daily value of Vitamin C
I want to strengthen my immune system

I would say we have some definitive proof pointing to HALLS being cough drops.Let us quickly take a look at a HALLS advertisement in the United States:

Man is standing, hating his job AND he is sick.

Man remedies the situation by eating a HALLS.

Man greeted by Rambo, the personification of HALLS defense.

Man now feels empowered, symptoms relieved.

So, just to recap: sick and helpless looking security guard eats some HALLS to feels better. Rambo, the personification of HALLS defense shows up and cures his ailments with pure testosterone. Security man feels better, empowered even. Security man quits his shitty job and leads an awesome life as a result.

Cough drop status confirmed.

But wait. In Brazil HALLS aren’t though of as cough drops. What!? After all that evidence in favor of the contrary? Indeed. Instead they (HALLS) are the most popular hard candy on the market (although this isn’t saying much since Brazil lacks fruity and/or hard candy in general; it’s basically HALLS, Mentos, Tic-Tacs or chocolate, but everyone eats HALLS (which I will continue to capitalize for no reason)).

Difficult to believe right? Observe.

Below if a sequence of screenshots taken from a HALLS advertisement in Brazil. Does this look like a “patented Mentho-Lyptus formula” soothing a scratchy throat or irritating cough? You be the judge.

"Hey, Baby, you want to have sexual relations with me?" — “Hey, Baby, you want to have sexual relations with me?”

"Hmmm, I don't know, how do I know I can trust you?" — “Hmmm, I don’t know, how do I know I can trust you?”

"Check it out, I've got some HALLS." — “Check it out, I’ve got some HALLS.”

"Oh damn, you know just how I like 'em: hard and fruity." — “Oh damn, you know just how I like ’em: hard and fruity.”

Again, let us recap: man approaches girl and asks for her to sleep with him. She is hesitant. “Hey, you want some HALLS? How about now?” She obliges. Cat.

Right? I thought the exact same thing. Just what angle are these guys over at HALLS trying to work exactly?

Now, just in case you think this might all be some silly exaggeration, let’s take a look at some more concrete, real-world evidence for this, shall we? Below is a screenshot of the “HALLS Brasil” Facebook page. Let’s take a look.

HALLS Brasil Facebook Page — Holy shit! 3.3 MILLION?

What is important here? Almost 3.5 MILLION people have “Liked” the HALLS Brasil page, and there is heavy user participation in all of their activity. Who would “Like” the page of a cough drop? (On a side note, I hope you all realize that “Liking” pages is a huge marketing ploy, and that you’re all sheep). Well let’s get some perspective; now we introduce the HALLS page for the US consumers.

HALLS US Facebook Page — Not so excited about HALLS now, are we?

A mere 350 thousand “Likes”? That’s a difference of over 3 million people. And what’s this? Look at the comments! Half of them are in Portuguese! Damn, Brazilians love HALLS. Case and point.

But for one real (that’s Brazilian money, kids) a pack, their constant availability and the absence of any delicious gum, they really are a solid option. And to answer your question, yes, I have been converted. I couldn’t help it, the temptation was too great. At least now I can always breathe.