Your Jumping Pictures Are Bad, And You Should Feel Bad

“One…two…three…wait! You went too early.”

“You said three!”

“Yeah, but you need to go when I say ‘GO!’”

“Alright, fine, let’s try again. Ready? One…two…three…GO!”

“Ugh, I didn’t get it. You look like you’re squatting.”

“Okay, okay, again.”

And on, and on it goes.

Watching (but worst of all, listening to) people attempt to take jumping photos in front of things makes me want to do some jumping myself, off a bridge.

It’s bad enough you’ve invaded a foreign country and polluted it with your trite commentary and unfounded criticisms, but to subject people to the sight of you repeatedly throwing yourself into the air in front of a country’s most renowned sights is simply insulting.

While you repeatedly fail to capture a photo featuring the optimal distance between yourself and the ground, the crowd of patient tourists—voluntarily respecting your right to take a photo—grows frustrated with your incompetence.

Let’s face it: nobody enjoys watching other people take pictures. Worse than that is watching someone occupy the optimal picture-taking spot at a given location, attempting to capture the elusive “jumping photo.” Please, stop wasting my time. I have more photos to take.

You are no better than the person who believes that a normal speaking voice cannot be detected by a sensitive cell phone microphone just inches from their mouth, or the person who, for some unknown reason, holds a camera to their face long enough for the device to time out and then, confused by what has happened, asks the camera’s owner to “fix” the issue (if you don’t know what I am talking about, then chances are that you are this person).

Then we have the people who believe that there are different tiers of the “jumping photo.” These people think, through some twisted and incomprehensible logic, that they are special in the realm of terrible photo-taking. They say things like, “Well, I am actually really good at jumping photos; you should see my collection.”

See your collection? I would rather watch my child be dragged underwater and drowned by a captive orca. News flash, people: nobody cares about you obscuring a place’s architectural or natural beauty with your flailed extremities and smiley facade.

In conclusion, just in case you have somehow missed the point because you have been too busy thinking over how fantastic all your jumping photos are, let me spell it out for you: fuck you, and fuck your jumping pictures.

That being said, here are some photos of me jumping in front of things: