I often wonder at what age it becomes inappropriate for a person to be naked in a public forum.
This of course leads to wondering why I failed to take more advantage of this very special time in my own life. Oftentimes the urge to get into my birthday suit overpowers my rationality and I find myself undressing in public – only to be immediately reminded by judgmental stares and law enforcement that doing so is reprehensible in our so-called “free” society.
Thankfully Fire Island exists (I didn't think I would ever say those words) to provide an outlet for all those wishing to experience the world as nature intended (I am talking about being naked for all those who haven't caught on) – and on the beach at that!
NAKED APPROVED BEACHES
Now you can't just go getting naked all willy-nilly on Fire Island beaches. We still have some ways to go as a people before we reach that goal.
The beaches that DO permit the public display of one's junk (aka the beaches that believe in freedom and America) are (from west to east):
- Lighthouse Beach
- Fire Island Pines Beach
- Cherry Grove Beach
- Davis Park
- Smith Point
Should you be looking to maximize the amount of fun to be had on this Island of Fire, be sure to get yourself over to one of these beaches (I would recommend that you select Cherry Grove) and get yourself naked. Don't let those silly societal standards and pressures keep you from experiencing life to its fullest.
There's nothing quite like the sun burning your most sensitive areas (or trying to apply sunscreen to said areas without becoming aroused).
The goddamn liberal media and its political pawns are apparently, once again, trying to take away our rights (first our guns, next our children); this time by banning the being of naked on Fire Island beaches. Lawmakers have changed the penalty for nude bathing on beaches to a class B federal misdemeanor, which carries charges of up to $5,000 in fines and six months in jail.
HOWEVER, the Fire Island Pines has pointed out that since their beaches (and the beaches of Fire Island's other communities) are not considered federal land, they may still do as they wish, free from clothing and the reach of lawmakers.
After all, law enforcement (who have stated that they will not enforce said laws) should really be focusing their efforts on controlling the rocket fuel enraged, domestically abusive, spray tanned filth that the ferries regrettably continue to shepherd over to New York's last nudist sanctuary.