The Day I Dug Up and Emptied a Septic Tank

Fire Island’s noted absence of Domino’s, 24-hour convenience stores, and strip clubs has made me realize that, unfortunately, this cannot afford its visitors all the luxuries of the mainland.

However, beyond the obvious, an entirely separate layer of absenteeism exists that plagues this island and inhibits the smooth sailing of stereotypical island life.

To the locals, these “things” are simply a part of everyday life on Fire Island…as they have been since the beginning of time (“if it’s broken, let’s kind of fix it”, serves as the local motto).

Exhibit A: emptying each building’s septic tank to prevent feces from overflowing into the streets (this is to be interpreted literally).

After moving six concrete slabs weighing about three hundred pounds each, the septic tank’s glory was finally exposed.

We spent hours literally shoveling shit out of the ground onto what has become known as the “poop garden” (its exact location is confidential).

Why did we do this? Well, apparently, on Fire Island, when too many toilet flushes are accumulated, the waste in the ground makes its way up onto the surface, flooding the sidewalks with human excrement.

The bar down the street (Flynn’s) has a reputation for having some of the most rancid and repulsive bathrooms on the island, and the aforementioned river can commonly be spotted in front of the establishment.

How do we manage to avoid such epidemics? Quite simply really: porta potties and the golden rule – if it’s yellow, let it mellow.